Finances and provision

So, I've had this thing going on in my head about my situation and how I/we got to where we are.  It may come off a little rant-like but please bear with me.  I swear I have a point and I'm not as upset by it all as I may come across before the end.  

As some of you know, Danny and I are in a bit of a financial pickle.  A lot of circumstances and personal choices have led us to where we are.  I am not writing this to place blame on others because I am aware of the choices that I/we have made to get us to where we are.  But at the same time, I feel much of it could have been avoided if some of the systems that I/we have fought against hadn't been so rigid and uncaring.  

Currently, Danny and I have very little income of our own.  I am only working part-time, as I've not been able to find anything more and Danny is in school full-time thanks to a lovely federal Pell Grant that covers the whole of tuition plus enough left over for books and transportation.  I am also still receiving unemployment benefits and Danny is receiving Social Security Supplemental Income (SSI).  All of us are on State funded health-care, and we receive EBT benefits for food.  The majority of our income comes from tax-payer funded sources.  Now, I am beyond grateful that these things exist and I am more and more understanding of people who need them.  Which, I think has taught me much compassion and tolerance that I have severely been lacking in my life.  I honestly feel like God has been using this experience to not only teach me/us to be better stewards of our money but also to expose us to people outside of our comfort zone and to teach us to love them in a new way.  

That being said, with funds nearing the end and benefits being cut left and right due to budget demands and lack of funds on the other end to finance as many people who are out of work and are left to rely on them, I am wondering if perhaps we'd not be in this predicament if just somewhere along the way, there had been more flexibility back when I was trying to get funding to go to college.  I fought for years to try and gain in-state status when I was in school and was constantly denied even though I haven't lived with my parents since I went off to college at 17 and then got my own apartment at 18.  I also tried getting loans and grants and scholarships to help me pay for college and I was nearly always denied.  I had excellent credit for my age but since I was a single female under 24, they wouldn't let me file FAFSA or anything else alone.  And with my father being a business owner, they considered the equity of his business as income and denied me anything.  Then I moved back to CT, and thought surely I'd be able to afford college here.  I was able to get in-state status just fine, but the cost of living was so much higher that I couldn't ever seem to save up enough to get me started because I still couldn't get grants or loans.  

Finally someone said to me that unless I was 24 years old or married, I'd not be able to apply without my parents being attached.  So, I decided to wait.  Then, I met Danny and we got married when I was 24, had our beautiful daughter when I was 25 and now I'm 28 and expecting our 2nd little one.  I wonder where time went to.  I still have intentions to go back but now, I'm at the point where when I do go back to school, my income is at the point where it'll surely be paid by grants and loans.  But I can't help but feel tax-payers (myself included) would have been saved so much money if only I'd not been denied the grants and the student-loans the first time around.  

It makes me wonder how many other people are in similar situations and wonder if the unemployment rate wouldn't be as high right now if people had the chance at more education.  It makes me wonder if we would perhaps not have the governmental deficit that we have it weren't such a battle to make something better of yourself.  

Then on the other side of it all.  After being on assistance from many sides for so long and then finding some work even though it's only part-time.  My un-employment benefits get slashed, my food stamps benefits get slashed and then Danny's SSI goes down all because I'm trying to get out of the situation that I'm in.  But it's not at all tied together.  I've gained approx. $50/month working over what I was making on unemployment alone, yet because of it. We lose $250 dollars in SSI and $150 dollars in food stamps. I wonder sometimes what they're thinking.  How to they think that gaining $50 = losing $400 and that somehow I'm supposed to just be ok with it.  They've got the system set up so that people are penalized tremendously for trying to get out of their situation.  Which just lends them to being in a bigger whole than where they started.  There needs to be reform and there needs to be awareness and people need to know that there is a chance to start over not just a chance to squeak by for the rest of their lives.  

I don't know what to do other than try and get things to change but how does one implement change from the bottom?  How does one get their story heard?  How does one balance fighting to make it better while still trying to fight to make it through the day?  How can one plan for the future when today seems uncertain itself.  

Lazy Saturday

Danny's off brewing beer with his friend Matthew.  He's been so excited to have a child free space to brew.   Not that he can't brew here but it's ten times more difficult with a little one under foot.  Especially with hot malts bubbling away.  So while he's off having fun I should be cleaning up and organizing but I'm not.  Joey's down for her nap, first time she's gone down without a fight in three days.  I've missed nap time.  I've got dinner bubbling away in the slow cooker, I'm watching 'Step It Up' on TV, and am enjoying the quiet while it's lasts.  I know it won't last long.  As soon as Joey's up she's going to be ready for a snack while dinner's finishing up and I want to do some cleaning with her and I want to do something fun with her too but I don't know what that might be yet.  I was thinking maybe something crafty but I can't think of what to do.  I'm having a slow brain day.
I need to have more planned activities that I can throw together in a pinch.  I need to get her ready if we're going to sign her up for pre-school in the fall.  She knows all the alphabet song by heart but she doesn't recognize the letters by sight yet.  She can count to eleven with no help but again she doesn't recognize them by sight yet either.  She learns really well by song and she's starting to pick out melodies and she's starting to sing along with us rather than repeat lines after us or jump to the next line, which is a lovely step but I still feel like I should be doing more.  Well, I'm gonna go enjoy the rest of this quiet while it lasts.  

Salty fresh goodness

I don't know what it is about the beach that is just so centering for me.  The salty fresh air (today it was slightly tainted by the smell of skunk), the rocks and the water.  It's a magical place for me.  I feel like everything will be o.k. when I'm at the beach no matter what my circumstances are.  Today it was muddy and still a little snowy but it's still the beach for me.  The seagulls cawing over head.  Joey throwing shells into the sea.  Danny and I taking turns pushing the stroller or carrying Joey around the massive puddles and piles of dog poo that got buried in the snow and are now re-appearing.  All the non fun bits are totally washed over by the fact that it's the beach.  The soothing wonderful beach.  The sound of the waves and the salty wind revive me.
I don't know what I'll do without it when we move to CO.  I'm an ocean girl, not a mountain girl.  But I'm sure I'll be able to find a rock and a babbling brook somewhere to still my soul.  That's what I used to do when I was in high school.  I'd go to the park and I had my little spot by the brook, and my tree by the pond.  I could watch the snapping turtles swim and the tad pole blossom.  I miss nature so much sometimes.  I need more nature! I really do.  I will have my place one day. Where that will be, I don't know.  God doesn't seem to be leading me to a firm place yet.  We're still in a transitional place as a family.  With another one on the way and a move to CO next year everything is all up in the air.
I don't know where I'll end up.  I don't even think I have a place that'd I'd prefer.  I mean I loved living in Philly, but I would not want to try and raise kids there. Delaware was nice and I always loved visiting but I've never lived there.  Kittanning, PA and the family farm will always have a piece of my heart, but I don't think that Danny could be that far away from everything.  Boulder, CO has definite potential but I've never been there and going now at God's urging and not my own so who knows where life will take me.  Hopefully somewhere warmer or at least sunnier.
I can't take all the grey and gloom of New England sometimes.  I need some more sun, I need to be not cooped up in the house so much.  I need to be outside and digging in the dirt and running around with my little one(s).

days go on, meal plans change

So, yesterday I did a crap ton of cleaning.  I cleaned out all the toys under the couch, I swept and vacuumed.  I did three loads of laundry, I'd have done more but I ran out of quarters.  I cleaned out the vacuum and learned how to fix it when it gets clogged.  I cleaned Joey's room and cleaned what I could of our room in spite of the mountain of laundry still in need of washing.  Then I hosted Care Group this week.  Which mad me super happy.  I've been wanting to host a care group for a while but it's never quite been the right time.  I'd love to host more regularly but with Danny's class schedule it might not be the best idea to start that just yet.
I love that I finally had the energy to get the house clean.  Clean spaces make me smile.  Second trimester, I think I love you the best!  Danny and I went out to this really awesome little Mexican Diner here in West Haven.  The food was So good.  I've had better Chicken Mole but not for as cheap as it was there.  Even at that, it was only slightly better.  And the homemade sauces were so fresh and yummy.  Danny, of course, was in heaven because the staff spoke Spanish.  Joey was being a bit of a trouble maker and we had to leave quicker than planned.  The food was so yummy.  Danny says that he might even want to have his family birthday dinner there.
I don't know what had Joey so worked up today but she just wouldn't go down for her nap.  She's been in her bed either chatting or yelling for me to come get her since 2 and it's nearly 4:30 now and she just quieted down maybe 10 minutes ago.  I can't let her sleep too late or she won't go to bed on time tonight.  Ugh.  The sucky thing is that when she's yelling for me, I can't even really go into the kitchen or the bathroom without the yelling getting louder.
So, I've had to put off making dinner.  I'm thinking that I'm going to have to switch up my dinner plans because of it.  I was planning on Chicken Tikka Masala but I can't exactly go whipping up the sauce without using the blender and waking my little sleeper.  Grr.  I don't know what to make now.  I have a meal plan for the week but maybe I'll have to tweek it a little.  But what to swap out is the question.  Oh well.  Off to my planning.

Back on track

I'm finally feeling better finally.  I've figured out what's been making my so lethargic.  I've been way low on my calcium intake.  So I've been more diligent and I've been feeling tons better.  I still get a little nauseous on car rides but I hopefully only have a couple more weeks of that.  But I'm getting back to my usual routine.  Danny was having to do a whole lot of cooking but I'm happy to be back to meal planning and other fun stuff.

I've been getting back to planning for baby and how we're going to fit another person in our little place.  Danny and I have a plan and we're working on getting things in order.  We may have to wait until Danny's out of school for any real hardcore moving of furniture and I may have to enlist the help of some more able bodied folks.  My goal is to pick one day and get it all done at once.  I picked out all the stuff that we need for the place to maximize space (IKEA has mostly everything that I need).  But now I'm on a mission to find everything used and cheaper on Craigslist.

Danny and Joey made me lovely hand-made Valentines for me before I woke up this morning so, while Danny's off at school Joey and I made one for him too!  I have been meaning to show Joey how to use her new safety scissors and I finally got around to letting her try.  She's not bad for a beginner.  She keeps her fingers in the right places but she hasn't quite figured out how to open the scissors without using both hands.

Joey's going through a growth spurt for sure.  She's been eating non-stop for the past few weeks and she's almost nearly outgrown all of her new things that she got for Christmas.  But Saver's has been out miracle store.  Last time we were there we got three books and one outfit for Joey, and some clothes for Danny for $4.22.  I still haven't been able to find anything that I like there but I'm pretty hard to fit and I'd rather make things for myself.  I got a lot of compliments on my black wrap dress that I made for myself at the church Valentine's dinner.

I'm trying to work my way through most of my fabric and get it out of the closet.  I'm about halfway done with Joey's rag rug and then I want to make one for our bedroom.  Danny's also asked that I make him a new pair of Pajama pants for around the house wearing.  I may even try to make him a couple of pairs.  They'll be patchwork most likely just to use up what I already have so that I don't have to go out and buy fabric.  I'm also considering making a new diaper bag but who knows what on my list I'll actually get to.  Especially since I also am anticipating getting nesting urges to make afgans and quilts and other fun things like that for baby numero dos.